lifegabble

started the fire

2008-06-10T14:35:00.001-07:00

So it's Tuesday of this final week of my highschool days. And I must say, ladies and gents... I feel rather excellent.
I don't think that anything could quite compare to the sense of calm and serenity that I feel, now that I know I don't have to put up with highschool drama anymore.
Never again will I have to worry about anything highschool related.
That includes but is not limited to,
-people who just assume they're better than you when they're in a different income bracket
-people who actually are better than you, because they're in a different income bracket
-girls who wear skirts in march
-girls who wear leggings with shirts and think it's a good look
-boys who like girls who wear skirts in march
-teachers who praise boys who like girls who wear miniskirts in march

the list goes on...

There's something quite poetic about it, really. The greater part of my youth is over now, and the only fragments of it that are left, are the memories.
Seems like it could be very sad to think about.

I only have happy thoughts.

I'm done being a helpless child, submitting to the 'school rules'. I make the rules now, and they rule my life.

I can be what I want to be, when I want to be, and where I want to be.
It's an excellent feeling, I can't describe it really.

Ben is my soul mate, I've decided. I don't think there's anybody on earth that can stir up so much emotion in me the way that he does.
I often think that our life and love could be too good to be true, but I really hope and wish that it isn't.
Good things come once in a while, and sometimes we're so caught up in the world that we forget to stop and appreciate the fact that it's good.

I know a good thing when I see one, and Ben is definitely a good thing.

I'm technically 'babysitting' right now, so I should probably head off. HUGE exam tomorrow that I'm studying for all night.

Woo.
Anybody care to discuss the historical significance of Columbus?
Didn't think so.

werd,
jess

Monday Monday

2008-06-09T08:11:00.000-07:00

Well hi!

It's Monday, and I don't have to be at school. Exam week is going on, and I wrote my first exam last week. My second exam, which also would have been today, is happening tonight at 5pm. A performance exam!
I'm really looking forward to it.

NATTTT!

I dunno, I just, I don't have the passion for performing that I used to. Maybe someday it'll come back to me, but when I'm in that little class, with those people... I can't stand it.

There are certain things in life that I can do without.

1.) People that think they're better than others.
2.) People who leave a cloth wadded up by the sink after doing the dishes, and it gets all stinky and disgusting.
3.) Really sticky humid heat that makes you drip sweat.

I think that's about it.
For now.

Anyway, Kassie is coming over and we're going to chill out.
I look forward to THAT.

Anyway, talk to ya'all later.

-Jess

it's about time

2008-06-06T16:26:00.000-07:00

Wow, I'm a terrible blogger. Sorry to anybody who reads this, and moreso... sorry to myself. I owe this to me. A chance to put my soul out there, and I didn't take it.
Bad girl.

I've become a smoker, ladies and gents.
Isn't that awful, polluting the world and the beauty with my smoke??
I know it is, but there's something about taking a smooth drag off a long white cigarette that makes me feel romantic and almost... right.
Parts of me wish to be that girl in the 50's, like Holly Golightly, walking down fifth avenue...

I know that I'm too much of a hippie to ever become that. But for the moment that I smoke... I am that. It's me.

Guess what else is new?
Grad.

That's right, I'm done.

And I feel an almost overwhelming sense of calm and serenity about myself at this point. Everything is right, and I'm good with who I am.

Here's a song for ya'all. Just the lyrics.

reflecting light- Sam Phillips

Now that I've worn out, I've worn out the world
I'm on my knees in fascination
Looking through the night
And the moons never seen me before
But I'm reflecting light
I wrote the pain down
Got off and looked up
Looked into your eyes
The lost open windows
All around
My dark heart lit up the skies
And now that I've worn, I've worn out the world
I'm on my knees in fascination
Looking through the night
And the moons never seen me before
But I'm reflecting light
Give up the ground
Under your feet
Hold on to nothing for good
Turn and run at the mean times
Chasing you
Stand alone and misunderstood
And now that I've worn, I've worn out the world
I'm on my knees in fascination
Looking through the night
And the moons never seen me before
But I'm reflecting light

This song just speaks to me on so many levels, it screams the things that I can't say and knows the things I feel.

<3

THIS IS MAJOR TOM...

Man, Kat and I have had some good times since I last wrote, I love her to death.

Anyroad, I should peace.

-Jess

like dickens

2008-04-20T14:12:00.001-07:00

With recent events, which are tragedies and dramatics... I need to dive into something. Sink myself into a hobby like I used to..
Writing calls sometimes. I feel like I need to write until my fingers are raw and my wrists burn with arthritic cramps.

Sounds like a plan...

So many unfinished stories, unwritten ideas... It's a waste...

Now?

The deep breath before the plunge, I'd say. Here goes.

and don't it feel good?!

2008-04-16T10:08:00.001-07:00

Ben and I got a crib last night, it's beautiful. We spent the evening building it and making room in the bedroom.
I told my mom today, too. I just flat out told her that I didn't give a shit about her opinion or how pissed off she'd be.

It's excellent.

I'm so happy and excited. <3

Life's working out now that I'm doing what makes me happy.

i'm dancin' barefoot... headin' for a spin

2008-04-14T16:25:00.000-07:00

There are some moments in life when things just seem to fit together, like the pieces have just fit together perfectly...

I had a huge wave of those feelings today.
It was like when you smell cinnamon buns cooking... you know what they are, and you are just sinfully blissfully, perfectly content with everything.

Things have worked out.
All is well.

A bit of a scare..

2008-04-07T04:57:00.000-07:00

When I got to homeroom today, Kathryn told me that her sister was '98% sure' that my doggie, Charlie, is malnourished.
Absolutlely terrified, I rushed to the computer in my first period class (Where I am now,) and I did some research on the health of puppies, and what to expect from them.

Thankfully, no evidence in Charlie points to malnutrition.
Thank God.

When Chelsea and Kat visited, Charlie had just eaten, and we feed him home-made organic food, so it is not the way people are used to a Dog's breath smelling. But it doesn't mean he's sick, thankfully.

His poops are pasty, and not clear or full of mucus, so that's a good sign. Also, he has a healthy apetite and is energetic, which is also a healthy sign.
Charlie's fur is not shiny, but I asked the vet about that the last time we were there (A week or so ago) and he said that because Charlie is still young (only 5 months), he has puppy fur, which is not as shiny and slick looking as the fur of an older dog.
So he's fine.

I did look online to see what, if anything, I'm doing wrong about his food, and it was inconclusive.
I'm considering meat in his food, but I believe that it would be a protien overload, which will kill his kidneys.

I swear, it hurt my heart so much to hear someone say that they didn't think I was adequately caring for my dog. It was like a huge kick in the face...
I mean, I know it's normal for people to observe and comment on the things around them... but questioning my ability to care for my pet...

Well whatever.
He's healthy, not dying, not underweight. He'll be just fine.

I wonder if things will be like this when I have a child. Will people see that I make my own baby food and assume that I'm not feeding them properly? Will people question my ability to raise a child, and tell me that

"I'm 98 percent sure that your daughter is very unhealthy" you bad bad bitch of a mother.

God I hope not.

But then again, I've met women like this, who always have an opinion of everything and everyone. Like my mom!
I'll never hear the end of it.

Phuck.

anyway, I should get to actually being in class now,
Ciao

Somebody stop me...

2008-04-03T09:03:00.000-07:00

Please, for the sake of the world... someone please slap me the next time I try to write a blog while PMS'ing.

I can't believe some of the things I wrote. How could a person say things like that?

I can't expect myself to find true friendship if I'm not at least willing to be the kind of friend that I seek.

I want to apologize to the people who were hurt by my last blog. Swear to blog it won't happen again. All my friends should know that I appreciate, love, and respect them.

Kittymunchkin, I don't know how I can help you... I truly honestly don't. But honey I'm going to try. You need things to make you happy, and I know that maybe I can help you with that.
MAYBE.
I just wish that this was like a fresh start for us.
Hopefully your date on friday will make things better. Maybe it will turn out that this person makes you happier than you ever could have imagined.
how nice would that be?

I wish you the best, and I support you in anything you want to do.
We all need a friend.
Shitheads begone, eh?

-jess

the damage was done

2008-03-30T13:59:00.000-07:00

VOID THIS POST PLEASE. BITCHY OVERLOAD.

Don't you just hate when people lie to get out of things?
I know that I do.

I mean, if someone doesn't want to do something with you, why do they have to make up excuses? Why can't they just say

"Yeah... I'm not up for it today, sorry." That's all.

Anyway, I have a project to do.

<3

these motherfucking snakes.. .

2008-03-26T17:31:00.001-07:00

VOID PLEASE. WHAT KIND OF A BITCH AM I?! NO PMS POSTING FROM NOW ON.

I've lost all faith in friendship. Given up hope.

We only have ourselves in this life. If you get lucky with a lover, you're blessed.

but friends don't exist. not on my earth.

all's well that ends well..

2008-03-26T17:21:00.000-07:00

Around the world around the world, around the world around the world.

And the winner is?

You have no idea the things that run through my mind when I talk to some people.

-Crazy
-Jealous
-Stupid
-Destined for Destruction

Things like that.

Never as much as today though. But I set it aside to be a friend.
Always be a friend.

Everybody hurts... sometimes.

i owe you nothing

2008-03-24T11:07:00.000-07:00

You know, sometimes I think that Ben might be right about you.

Telling me that I owe you.... I should never put up with your bullshit. I already have endured enough.

I mean, I don't need you, do I? Just to make my life miserable.
To tell the family that I'm not going to graduate.
Fuck you.

I hope that when you find out all the secrets I hide from you... I hope you cry. And I hope that you blame yourself.

It's all because of you, you know. Everything.

Not anymore. I'm taking my life back. It's not yours anymore.

Every word that comes out of your voice disgusts me. You can keep them.

So come on, hit me with your best shot, hot mama. I've got a counter-attack you're going to love.
The cold shoulder is colder when you're getting it instead of giving it.

You anger me so much. When was the last time you praised me for just being me? When was the last time you saw someone beautiful and just let them be?
You will NEVER know happiness. You don't let anybody, even yourself, achieve happiness because you think that once you're happy you have nothing to live for anymore.
I'm happy, and I live for me now.

Fucking bitch whore narcissist.

Have a nice life,
Jess

somedays aren't yours at all...

2008-03-24T05:09:00.000-07:00

A morning blog today, which I hardly ever do.

I have a list of plans for the day that I shall tend to.
1- Homework ( I'm not sure how much I have, but I'm positive that when I see it, I'll come close to shitting myself...)
2- Tidy House (The bedroom is a wreck, and the living room could use a dusting)
3- Make Cupcakes ( I babysit tonight and I thought it might be nice to bring easter cupcakes to them)
4- Shower (I think the reasons for this are quite obvious, eh?)
5- Babysit ( yeah, the troublesome trio tonight at 4:45.)

Anyway, I might have time to throw in some music listening or reading, which would be cool.

I'm not starting until 10. It's 9:17 now.

I figure that ten is a good time to start worrying about starting the day. I've been awake for awhile anyway..

Charlie says hello, see? - ;ghiossioy0u7we

Talk to you later, folks.
-Jess

Baron von Munchausen

2008-03-22T11:27:00.000-07:00

We all have problems.
Fuck labels.

they can't do that... can they? ♥

2008-03-19T16:20:00.001-07:00

I have never liked the public school system, ever. But lately, I've been liking it less and less.
For one, I find that it's too political. With the presidential Principal supposedly creating fear among his subjects (students).

Anyway...

Maybe the school Principal should be elected. Huh? Yeah...
Of course the school board could choose the candidates... but wouldn't the students feel more like a part of the school if they got to choose who ran it?

I think so.

I have revolutionary ideas, huh?

I will not be sending my own children to public school. I think that it encourages conformity... having all the students strive for the same thing. A+ grades...
And rewarding only the students who achieve this.

It's silly...

Doesn't anybody else see this?

DOWN WITH PUBLIC SCHOOLS!

Ugh.

Peace,
Jessica

is it always going to feel this way?

2008-03-18T15:21:00.000-07:00

No Charlie.

That was a dark place.

Oh man, intense.

Charlie NO!

What?

how does your life feel?
what?

Have you smoked it yet?
Mhmm.

How does your life feel?
A little bit better, but not much...i'm like shaking. That was my first bad trip of like anything.
I don't know how i was talking to you.

Oh.

NoO Charlie.

♥ Little yellow spider...

2008-03-17T17:45:00.001-07:00

Oh Dear...

Ben bought a dresser today! Isn't that a-mazing? He did it as a surprise for me when I got home from my long day of working and school.

What a swell guy.

He's so sweet to me.

Anyway, I had to go babysit the terrible three tonight... and it was quite an adventure.
I looked up on the District 18 website to see which bus I was supposed to take. I found out that it was bus 46, and that it would stop right on the street that I babysit on.
So... I get on the bus, and we begin to drive. And I look for the street, and we pass right by it.
I figure, no worries, I'll just walk there from the next stop.

The next stop... a 25 minute drive later, was in Durham.
Yeah...

So I got up to talk to the bus driver, who treated me like an irresponsible kid, and she said

"Well I guess you'll just have to stay for the rest of the ride, and I'll take you on my way back,"
Woohoo.

So then she calls dispatch.

"Yeah I have a kid on the bus who stayed on past her stop which was about 20 minutes back, and she'll have to stay on 'till I finish the run."

The dispatch tells her to ask my name so they can call home and inform my parental unit.

"I live alone," I told her.

"Then why the hell are you still in school?" She asks.

BitchPLEASE!

I couldn't believe that. What a bitch.

Anyway, I ignored her after that and waited for the ride to be over. Then I began the adventure in babysitter hell...

I arrive about five minutes late to my only job...And about 20 minutes in to the babysitting, already one of the damn brats is bleeding...
I LOVE KIDS, really I do.
But are you joking me? BLEEDING.
No joke, the youngest, David, chomped down on the inside of his cheek while playing and was oozing the red genetic fluid all over...

I gave him a popsicle, which generated a feeling of jealousy within the other kids.

Great.

So I have one crying because his cheek is bleeding... and two others complaining because they don't get to have a popsicle. Woo-freaking-hoo.
Anyway, about an hour later, another one of the kids starts SCREAMING in the bathroom.
And I mean SCREAMING.
So I rush to her side to see that she didn't quite make it to the toilet, and had peed all over herself.

joy

So there I was, stripping her down, and filling up the bathtub to clean her.

Cleaned and ready, then I go back out into the living room...

Dog shit and piss all over the floor.
With a side order of worms all throughout.

I almost vomited all over the eldest child.

Fuckity shit balls.

Anyway, I got home about 8 o'clock and Ben had purchased a dresser! SOMETHING WE HAVE NEEDED FOR MORE THAN A MONTH.

So yeah...I have a dresser now. Ben cooked dinner for me...

I have an excellent life, hence the upgrade in blog HTML.
Basically, my blog was too dreary and dark.... but my life was a hilarious turn of events.

And change was born.

So here is my happier blog with a sense of humor.

I love my life to an incredible extent, and I'm totally okay if people are aware of that.

My apologies to rachel for any grammatical, spelling, and/or phonetic errors in this post. It is St.Patrick's day, and like a true buddhist, I've had a slight bit of a mind altering substance.
Which is against the buddhist rules, in case you didn't catch the Blasphemy there.

<3

On another note, I have to finish writing/illustrating an entire children's story for Wednesday, so I should really get back to doing that.

Thanks for reading,
Jess

2008-03-03T13:15:00.000-08:00

--------------------------------
♥Mamamia, here i go again...

Okay, so I'm not having a grrrr-eat day, as my frosted flakes promised.

I feel just about as awful as sticking your hand on a lit burner. Maybe even more than that.
I don't know what it is... my mind is just being so bad to me. It's telling me that I'm fat and disgusting and repulsive and that nobody loves me.

Now, I know that's not true...

But my mind doesn't seem to.

I don't know how to combat these feelings anymore. Maybe I should just let them overcome me.

Charlie is better than anybody in the world at making me feel better about myself.
He's warm and furry and knows just what to do to make me smile.

Laying in my lap sleeping now...
I love him.

And I know that I love Ben too...
I really really do.

Now if only my mind would believe it,
Jess

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

That's what all people say

2008-03-01T11:01:00.000-08:00

---- Finding My Own Little Neverland

Journal...Friday, Feb 29th, 2008

I'm back at school today for the first time in awhile. I've been missing time due to god knows what going on in my head. It's not easy to cope. Maybe I'm selfish... Is it totally ridiculous of me to be upset over nothing...Maybe I should just suck it up through a bit imaginary straw of life.

If I use my imagination, then my life is just a laughable cartoon of characters...

The witch- my mom
The prince- Ben
Random Goblin- Justice
Tower- Depression

The depression keeps all the good guys away while I putter and moan wishing that someone would save me...

But here it is... Ben the handsome prince keeps trying to rescue me, but...
I'm so high up in my 'tower' that I don't see it.

Poor Ben. I can't help but keep him at an arm's distance for some reason. I still love him, that's for sure. I just have such small amounts of patience right now.

The house, for one, is a complete cyclone and I don't like going/being there because of it.

Today I will clean the house and hope, once again, that it stays clean. But of course, Ben doesn't really understand the concept of me.
The house makes it worse... I know it. I don't know how to make Ben realize that I need him to try. He washes the dishes to the best of his ability but they often come out of the sink looking worse than when they went in...

I could try to teach him I suppose.
But Patience... Oh I lack it.

I never pictured myself having the same shit-ass problems with Ben that my mother had with Danny. Could it be that I'm dooomed to become like my mother?

If I am sure of this...
Bring me a kilo of cocaine so I can take it all at once and die now... please

Something in her head is not right... Every and any time that I come to her for advice she turns it into a story about how SHE handled the same situation sooo much better than I did. She just turns it all into the bullshit she must see in her head about how she is better than everybody else alive because she handles things better and blows off her kids to pursue an education that she believes will bring her fame and fortune which seem to be the only thing she wants in her life. "

That and the perfect man.

But even the most perfect man on the earth would not live up to her obscene standards. And if he did... he'd be joining me in front of a swimming pool full of razor blades for a dive soon enough.

Anyway, I hate my mom. Get it?

We're watching Finding Neverland in Child Studies class... and it's so beautiful and inspirational...

The story of Peter pan is one of my favorites... it's so lovely and touching.
I just want to hug Peter until he feels better.
Knowing the story behind the story is even better.

I've been cured by Johnny Depp once again! Huurah!

He should have a religion...

-Jess

never truly hated anyone or anything

2008-03-01T10:46:00.000-08:00

-----------------------------------------------------------
Taken from a FEB 26 Journal Entry...

General Mood: Melancholy
Listening To: Lady by Regina Spektor

I decided to start writing because I've heard that it's therapeutic for when you feel depressed. I only say that I feel depressed because this is how I imagine depression feels...

I don't really feel like myself. I don't enjoy the things that I used to love. I sleep more than usual, I start to wonder stupid things all the time. Like the taste of a feeling...

I feel a bit unmotivated, like I need Richard Simmonds to come and kick my ass and say "Get up Girl!"

I feel like I care too much about what other people think. Especially what my mother thinks. I don't know why I care so much. My mom is a cold hard narcissistic bitch.
She sleeps with multiple men, thinks she's better than everybody else, and then for some reason I enable her to think this way. Not really fair to me.

She is awful, and she uses me for watching Justice. If she did not have Justice I am confident that she would probably stop talking me.
Ben tries to tell me that I am too nice to her and put up with too much crap.

Right now I'm sitting at the clinic with her, and she has made it very clear that she is the boss of me. She says that we are not allowed to talk and she will do all the talking and command the doctor not to give a prescription because they are just money grubbing pigs (Creators of Medicine)

So... that's always good. I have a splitting headache. Dull pounding pain... Like my mother's nagging.

She's going on and on about how she's the only one in the world who does things for other people without anything in return. I've seen television shows where people hate their moms... I always thought I'd be different.

I'm not different. I recognize that I don't like my mom. Took me a little while. But I've got it now.

I'm happy that I moved out and I can't wait to get away from my family. I want to move WAY THE HELL out of Atlantic Canada. (We don't even have a time zone)

Justice is crying now because mom has told him that he is not allowed to stay at my house anymore. He apparently complains too much about being there. He does complain one hell of a lot. He lies too... all the time. Blames things on me and my friends. BULLSHIT. I'm glad he's not staying with me anymore. Why the fuck would I open my home up to someone who only has bad things to say when he leaves?

I will need a big fat cigarette when I get home.

Someday when I'm living far away in a land with a time zone... they will all regret the way they treated me. And if they don't...
Well then everybody's happy!

I wish my mother could see past the end of her own god-damn nose. Her behavior is detrimental to everybody around her.
Justice is HARDLY a sociable kid. Danny's relationships fail. And I cling to any sign of love that I find...

*sinatra voice*
That's life.

-Jess
------------------------------------------------------------------------

2008-02-22T10:43:00.000-08:00

Soo,

Why do I sign up for stupid things that I know I'm going to hate.
Example?
Production stuff.

I was going to be in the show... and then I decided that I FUCKING HATED IT. So I quit.
THEN... I volonteer to do makeup for the show.

Again? I hate it.

It's the people there that I can't stand. They're all 'lyktotallyomg highschoolmusical!'
And I vomit a little...
WHY JESSICA?!

You know, I just need to put my foot down and say, "Helz naw I don't want this shit."

But whatever.

Tonight I go back,
Again...

NEW EMAIL ADDRESS
jessica@moneybull.com

drop me a line, hoes.
-Jess

Little wet tears.

2008-02-17T12:27:00.000-08:00

Little wet tears....

Hi readers. How are ya'all feeling? I'm feeling just peachy keen. I think that I've peed about... nine times today on account of all the juice I've been drinking.
But as of yet, no food has been ingested.

I'm not really experiencing bad side effects. I've stopped craving salt, because I bought veggie juice, which is salty enough to make me happy.

so my life is taken care of when it comes to fasting.

Charlie is humping a stuffed lamb beside me. And he's really into it. Poor little guy can't get no love.

Have you ever noticed how nothing ever happens the way you expect.

I mean NOTHING.

Think about it really hard, and I think you'll agree with me. Why do we even have expectations at all? I think it's silly. Life should be spontaneous, so why bother anticipating anything? You know what I anticipate? Unpredictability.

Yeah this is a pretty fucking lame post. But I really have no genuine thoughts at the moment. I think I have a Reading Tutor test tomorrow, which I'll probably fail miserably. That would suck a mother.

Right... So I'll go now. Listen to more Regina Spektor. then I'll leave and go to The Playhouse... I'm doing all the makeup for the dramabitches...

joY.

-===jessica

YAW

2008-02-15T09:47:00.000-08:00

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
yay!

Ben just called me, and explained that he wasn't mad. And he still loves me.

I get so worked up over such small things sometimes, don't you think?

Yes I do, I do, I do.

I'm hungry.

NO EATING.

-peace
--------jess

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Relation[shit]

2008-02-15T09:16:00.000-08:00

@#&%!!!!!

You know, I just did something incredibly stupid. And I do mean incredibly. I got home today from school, and when I saw the apartment, I almost vomited.
The mess was absolutely overwhelming.

And so.

I started to clean, little by little. Gathered all the cups that were scattered around, the socks on the floor, the dog pee on the carpet... and I realized that most of the mess was not my own.

Boyfriend.

A rolled up, ripped poster on the floor. Powdered juice crystals cemented to the counter. Strainer clogged with noodles. Hot chocolate mug, with hot chocolate painted into the glass.

I was furious, to say the least. I scrubbed the juice, threw out the poster, washed the noodles, cleaned the mug, etc.

Which isn't so stupid.

...but then the stupidity happened. Gargantuan stupidity.

I sent the boyfriend a message. 'you are a pig'

don't hate me, dear reader... it was in a fit of rage. AND a fit of fatigue. I've argued numerous times with him about this stuff, and he never seems to get it.

So then he calls me.

And he says 'what the hell was up with that last message?'

And I tell him.

he tries to defend himself, poorly.

"there were juice crystals on the counter ben, and I had to scrub for ten minutes." I tell him.

"You drink the juice too." he says.

And then, at the worst possible time...

My phone is dead.

He of course, will assume that I hung up on him in a fit of rage.

I called back, sent him texts, left him messages..
He doesn't answer.

what if he leaves me?

I don't know what to do with myself. I've already smoked a cigarette, in my anxious state... because I can't eat due to fasting....

I'm worried.

I will try not to see things as being too bad... I hope he'll see that I'm sorry for yelling. I mean... anybody would have yelled, I think.
I don't want to feel like I'm his mother and I have to baby him and hold his hand to teach him how to sweep and mop and all that crap.

Part of me blames his parents.

What kind of person doesn't know how to use a mop?! Ben doesn't. Or he didn't until he had to mop at work.

@#$%

I'll keep this updated today.
What have I done? I will stop crying. Tears don't help.

-----muchlove
jess

Genesis.

2008-02-14T08:09:00.001-08:00

The beginning of the beginning. The genesis of the blog. I'm Jess, these are my feelings, I'm sure you've met before.
I warned on the welcome page that my posts will presumably, occasionally, contain some bullshit or stupid infantile ranting that will make you want to hit me in the face with an enormous cream pie. FEAR NOT!
I apologize now, if I make you feel like crap. Just email me if this happens. I'll give you big verbal hugs. Promise.
Another thing, for the girls who are supposed to read this and comment on them... the HTML that I used doesn't really allow for a comment box, so you'll have to email me. PLEASE.
It's only fair. And perhaps that's the best way to do it, have emails all set up. Could be good. Name them after our blogs. I dunno...

I'm hoping that this will make me write. I'll force myself to write in it everyday.
If I don't... then I swear on pain of death that I will eat something mildly nauseating.
Scouts honor.

Alright, blog time.

It's Thursday, Valentine's Day.
A holiday that had its roots in good intentioned Christianity... and then became a corporate explosion of pink and marked-up roses.

For the first year in a long time, I have a reason to celebrate Valentine's day... and for some reason, I don't want to. I don't want to feel like I'm a member of this whole group of people who needs a holiday to express their love, or coax a lover into sex when you know they're too tired.

I have Ben though.

And I tell myself, come on Jess, he loves you and cares so much for you, you have to do something. And then I look around, realize that it's unrealistic because my brother is staying over tonight, and decide that I'll just hold him extra long when we fall asleep tonight.

My mind continues to wander, I wonder if he knows that I care for him. Does he know?

I sometimes fear that Ben is going to develop a drinking problem.
I know it sounds silly, and my heart tells me not to believe it, but it's true.
He only drinks on rare occasions, and normally when he does, it's not much.

But lately...

I don't know. It's not like me to care about that sort of thing, but when you love someone enough, don't you have the right to feel uncomfortable about that?

I hope so.

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

Ben's not the only one I've been a little bit worried about.

There's Kathryn.

I feel like she needs someone to grab her hand and pull her out onto the shore.
It's like her canoe is going over a waterfall, and the only options she has are sink; or swim.
Because I'm her friend, I really wish there was something I could do. But then, maybe there is. Maybe I'm just not thinking hard enough about what I can do.
Should I offer to have her over for awhile?
Tell her that life is hard, and punch her in the shoulder?
Yell and scream until it goes away?
What do I do?

The most I can do, I think, is tell her that I really do care about her. And that I'll always be here if she needs me.
I'm just a 7-digit number away.

I wonder if she knows how much I really do care.

I often wonder that.I'm aware that I sometimes come off as a cold hard bitch, but I really care about these people.
How do you say that without getting an awkward,
"ohthanks..."

I want all of my friends to be happy.

My mother once told me that when we give advice to others, we often are more defensive than when we are advising ourselves.
For example, if Kassie asked me if she should date a guy with a kid, I'd advise against it. I'd tell her that she could find someone more on her level, or that she would be better off with a guy who didn't have someone else to love other than her, so that he'd get a chance to REALLY love her.
BUT
If it were me. Falling in love with a man with a child... I'd say.
"It's okay Jess. You can handle it. You won't get hurt."

Why do we give the good advice to others while our own souls hang in the balance.

Not a great situation, is it?

To keep my soul from hanging, I'm telling you that I really care about you. Because I know I'd want you to be honest with me about feelings. <3

Alright then, the end of Genesis.
I'll talk tomorrow.
-Jess

"In every walk with nature, one receives far more than he seeks."-John Muir